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  • Writer's pictureNubia DuVall Wilson

Say It: Your Needs Matter-in the bedroom!

Over the past four years, I have been learning more about my triggers and how to manage them, as well as the importance of communicating how I feel to my partner--even when I don't want to. Do you hide your trauma and mental health challenges from your partner because of shame?

I've started a new series called #HerNeedsMatter (sorry boys, but my communications tips are transferrable in many ways). The reason why I focus on HER is that, in my experience and what I've read, women have a much harder time telling their partners what they need and how they need it in the bedroom than men do. We are natural pleasers and when you are a survivor of abuse, that desire to please often overrides our own intimacy and safety needs, which unfortunately is very damaging. We must advocate for ourselves in the bedroom. You can follow this series on my IG and TikTok accounts.

What is one change you want to make in the bedroom with your partner? Can you say it out loud?

It wasn't until I could talk about my triggers that I started to feel more safe in the bedroom. I was resentful, angry and easily irritated, all because I wasn't voicing my needs. I just wanted my husband to figure it out and I didn't actually want to discuss my triggers because I didn't want to seem broken, but that was foolish. There should be NO SHAME in discussing your triggers and needs because YOUR NEEDS MATTER.

We are so complex--sex is as much mental as it is physical. Your positive and/or negative experiences in the bedroom are very much based on your brain activity. Your mind is powerful. Allow it to show you what you need and unpack that with your partner.

Be Strong,


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