So....I woke up this past Monday feeling disturbed from a crazy dream (I was trapped by cannibals and had resolved myself that maybe they would just take a few nibbles and leave me alone after, crazy, I know) and quite frankly feeling Depressed AF. Now, some of you may be thinking, 'You're just NOW depressed after the year we just had?! But the stress, panic and anxiety I felt last year was a cake walk compared to experiencing those same feelings in 2016 during the onset of PTSD after reliving my repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse. Don't get me wrong, I definitely had lows last year that were tough, but they didn't last long, because I would quickly remind myself that my family and I were blessed to be safe and alive. This week started out feeling drained from being pulled in so many directions for my kids and running the household--and not having an effing break.
When I was in high school, I used to love taking quizzes in the teen magazines and I remember taking one titled, "Are You Depressed". I never wanted to admit it to myself, but subconsciously I felt like I was. The results said I had Manic Depression. I had no idea what that meant, but a part of me felt vindicated, like I finally had an answer as to why on the outside people considered me happy, joyful and fun to be around but on the inside I was dark, sad and alone. I never told anyone about this and, I mean, it was a Teen magazine quiz, so it wasn't exactly a legit diagnosis, but the fact that I remember that more than 20 years later means something. I was always stuck on labels to try to understand how I could define my state of being and validate my feelings. Now, I am more grounded and wiser. I can feel depressed in the morning and happy in the evening, and that is normal. That realization is freeing.
So that is exactly what happened this week. I was determined to acknowledge my feelings, understand why I felt depressed and then give myself much needed self-care. I exercised that morning, then meditated after. I told myself it is okay if the kids log on to virtual school late because I need to take care of myself and I will tend to them later. I dedicated myself to exercise and mediate each day this week, and I also had therapy, which was great. If you haven't done so already, take some time to think about how you feel, your needs and how to support your self-care.